


You Can't Put You Arms Around A Memory

by baloonflies



Series: pretty tied up [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Boxer Zayn, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-25
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2017-12-06 09:32:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/734176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baloonflies/pseuds/baloonflies
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He sits on the barstool and waits, it feel like a routine, coming back home to lonely flat, broken and hurt in so many ways, and waiting. Then Naill will come and try to fill the emptiness of Zayn’s flat with his caring smile. </p><p>Zayn loves a boy he shouldn't and breaks lots of peoples hearts with it</p><p>Zayn is a boxer who breaks lots of things other than bones</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> continues my obsession with boxer zayn. based on my other drabble The Shape Of A Broken Heart 
> 
> and i want to say huge than you to fluorecentadolecence.tumblr.com for betaing this story :)
> 
> enjoy

Zayn is watching. Watching him get all worked up, muscles on the back flex as he throws fists, making red leather bag rock back, white clothing tightly wrapped around strong hands, clenched into fist. He’s angry, Zayn can see it, jaw clenched, tongue pressed up to the roof of the mouth, brown eyes screwed in pure anger and concentration. Zayn can practically hear their coach shout _make yourself angry, feel furious and then you’ll be able to destroy the opponent_. He turns his neck and eyes fall on Zayn, there is sweat dripping down his forehead and Zayn can’t help but notice that tiny scar there, from match two month ago. Zayn doesn’t even bother to stop staring, _no point_ he thinks, _already caught_. He looks away, and goes back to beating the bag. Zayn still watches, watching his every move get angrier with every punch and his eyes close as he hits his hardest.

“Zayn!” He hears someone call him from behind; he doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is, same voice, same time as always.

He turns around and sees Niall standing there, brown paper bag clutched in both hands like always. [  
](../701939)

“Hey,” he says with that hopeful smile that always makes Zayn feel so bad, “you forgot your lunch”

“Yeah, yeah, thanks,” he mutters, not looking him in the eyes, mind still focused on the boy behind him, growling as he fights the leather bag.

He takes the bag and places it on the old table next to the rink, where Louis keeps their battle schedules. His eyes fall on Liam again, putting on blue boxer gloves. _He always does this_ , Zayn thinks, _fights with bare hand before they go sore and about to break._

“He’s doing fine, isn’t he?” Niall snaps at him. Zayn turns around to see a sheepish expression forming on his face.

“Yeah, he’s getting better with time,” Zayn answers.

“You’re better,” Niall tells him with that smile and Zayn wants to yell at him _stop doing this to yourself!_

He nods again, not really sure what he is supposed to say, because thank you is too worn out already.

“I’ll be on your match tonight,” Niall says and gives Zayn kiss on the cheek, before getting _this_ smile plastered on lips again and leaves.

-

Harry’s is there that night; he always is, because Niall is always here and it’s probably the worst part of it, taking something away from someone. He’s sitting next to Niall and his eyes shine with joy and sadness at the same time as he tells him probably one of those _Harry stories_. Naill is smiling at him, sad and apologetic. It’s different from the one he gives to Zayn and he wonders if Niall has special smile for everyone. He scans the crowd then, looking at the private area where the boxers are sitting and Liam’s not there, he never is anymore.

“You okay?” Louis claps hand on his shoulders from behind and hands him gloves with another

“I’m fine.” Zayn whispers in the air, he’s never been the one to talk much, especially now.

“Don’t get too worked up.” Louis says, hands coming up to help him with the gloves “Just think about something that gets on you. Make yourself angry, feel-“

“-furious and then you’ll be able to destroy the opponent.” Zayn smiles up at him “I know coach, I’ll do fine.” Louis nods and fixes his gloves.

“Don’t think about them, yeah? Any of them, none of that is your fault.” Zayn nods and Louis leaves to stand to the corner of the rink. Zayn thinks Louis is only thing that he hasn’t fucked up in his life, the only one he hadn’t broken or destroyed; Louis doesn’t hate him yet.

Zayn breaks his promise to Louis that night like he always does and he fights with the same feelings: hurt, disappointment, regret, guilt, but not anger. He can’t get angry. He can’t get angry on someone he loves. He can’t be angry on Liam for not being there, not loving him, and he can’t be angry on Niall for being here. The only person he can be angry at is himself. _It’s not your fault_ , something inside tells him but he knows better. He could have at least kept his mouth shut. At least could have kept Liam happy.

He wins the fight, knocking him down with the final fist near the temple. Everybody cheers and claps and congratulates him and Niall is standing on the bench, clapping and whistling loudly. Zayn looks at him and sees Harry sitting and looking up at him with the same look Niall gives Zayn and it hurts more than his bleeding nose or the cut on the knee.

Louis guides him back in changing room, telling his congratulations and hands him money. He doesn’t bother cleaning, slips into sweatshirt and drives back home.

His flat is lonely, empty, windows open letting fresh air in and he knows who did it. He had been there. The glass full of orange juice and biscuits on the table is his doing too. Zayn sometimes wonders why Niall bothers when he knows that he’ll be coming back there at night.

He sits on the barstool and waits, it feel like a routine, coming back home to lonely flat, broken and hurt in so many ways, and waiting. Then Naill will come and try to fill the emptiness of Zayn’s flat with his caring smile. He waits for 7 minutes on the white leather couch and feels bad because he knows that Niall will clean the blood from it. Niall comes in. He walks in living room and hugs him carefully, trying to avoid every cut or bruise. Zayn sometimes wonders how Niall manages to study his body every day, how he knows every scar and bruise.

Then he does what he always does. Takes him to bathroom and starts cleaning his cuts, he moves so smooth and careful, knowing where to find medicines and bandages, knowing every corner of Zayn’s flat and Zayn himself by heart.

“You were amazing tonight.” Niall tells him, bringing hand to wipe away the blood from his temple

“There’s nothing amazing about beating someone to bleed, Niall.”

“But you were.” Niall’s voice is giddy, trying to cheer him up, not suiting the atmosphere “You always are.”

Zayn hisses as Niall brings clothing to open skin on his knee, it’s alcohol stained and though Niall tries to be as gentles as possible while cleaning the dried blood, it still hurts.

“Harry told me to tell you congrats.” Niall chimes in and Zayn thinks why he does it, break the silence when he knows there will be no conversation.

“He’s good for you, you know, would take care of you.” Zayn says

“Yeah.” he tears his eyes from his bloody knuckles and looks up at him ”But I love you”

“Niall-“

“I know, I know.” Niall says shaking head in defeat, smiling that same smile “Sorry, it just slips out sometimes.”

Zayn wants to love him right now, wants to be able to make him happy but he can’t, he just can’t love him the way he wants to.

“All good now.” Niall wipes last drop of blood from his hands and kisses his bruised knuckles, one by one and then smiles up at him, tapping cut on his forehead “Let’s get you to bed.”

“I can do it myself Niall.”

“I know, just let me.” Niall replies and he is smiling again, and every smile of his goes to Zayn’s heart like a knife, stabbing it and ripping it into pieces. Not letting the guilt from his stomach drop for even a second.

He walks with him to the bedroom anyways; Niall’s holding two fingers and leads him in. Zayn wants to protest when he pulls his dirty shirt above his head but it already feels so familiar, doing it every time he is hurt. Niall lies him down and tucks him in like he always does, Zayn thinks about objecting every time he does it, but it makes Niall happy so he can _at least give him that._

“How did you get here?” Zayn asks him, when Niall sits on the edge of the bed. It’s all is monotonous now, like a routine.

“Harry drove me” he answers.

“Come on, I’ll drive you home.” He tries to stand up but Niall stops him with a hand on the shoulder, and Zayn can already hear him, _nah, I’ll get a cab._

“Nah, you have a rest. I’ll take a cab.” He gives Zayn kiss on forehead and leaves him.

Zayn can hear noises from the kitchen and he knows tomorrow morning he will have a half ready breakfast waiting for him in the morning. Then there’s the sound of steps in hallway and door clicks closed.

Zayn doesn’t fall asleep before it’s already very late. He tries to make his mind stop, stop thinking, stop feeling guilty, but whenever he convinces himself it’s not his fault that everyone is so _un_ happy, there is Liam’s eyes flashing in his mind and he starts it all over again.

-

If Zayn had a choice, he wouldn’t be doing it.

_Violence._

He never was the violent one. Life just didn’t work out for him. He always wanted to be an artist, to travel around the world and draw sunset from every corner of the earth. But he was thrown into arena at age 17. He didn’t even know how to properly put the gloves on when Louis had him in his team and started training him.

Louis taught him every move, every spot where he would hit and knock opponent out with one punch. Boxing was never a good thing, but the way Louis taught him, the way he moved, the way he talked, he made it look like an art. And in three month he had Zayn in his upper team, training with champions and that’s when he started losing control of what he was doing and what he wanted to do. Canvas turned into skin, paints into blood, art turned into violence.

-

Niall is there when he breaks his leg, of course. He is fighting some bloody tiny guy who moves like snail and is doing more of karate than boxing.

He falls on the floor and curses loudly, Louis is there in the matter of second but Niall is there before him and Zayn wonders how he even managed that. He has his hand tucked under his knee and holding his leg up. He refuses to let anyone close to him and shouts at Louis when he asks him to move away. He isn’t he one to shout but now he’s as furious as Zayn has ever seen him.

Niall doesn’t let the game finish because _“There is fucking bone out of his skin you bloody twat!”_ He and Louis carry him to Harry’s car and it’s so fucking ironic. Zayn would be laughing if not for the throbbing pain in his leg.

Harry drives furiously and Zayn thinks it’s because of Niall’s panic covered face, not because Zayn has his leg ripped into two pieces and there is fucking blood dripping on white leather of Harry’s backseat.

He gets brace on the leg. Niall is watching him with terror in his eyes. Harry is standing behind him with hand loosely resting on Niall’s shaky shoulder. Zayn can easily read his expression, _so fucking useless._  Harry drives them back home and Zayn doesn’t miss the twitch in his eyes when Niall goes up with him.

It’s already so familiar, a breaking heart and being the one with a broken heart too. It’s just not easier, not a bit.

Niall tucks him to bed and kisses his forehead. Then he stands up and goes to sleep on Zayn’s rundown sofa.

“You can stay.” Zayn tells him, not because Zayn wants him to stay. Because Niall wants to stay and he’s tired of being such and heartless asshole. Niall doesn’t need to be told twice and slides next to him under the cover, wrapping Zayn into himself with arms and legs like he wants to swallow him. Even though Zayn’s sweaty and disgusting, Niall doesn’t mind.

Niall stays with him for the whole 3 weeks he spends recovering. Louis visits him twice and gives them an apologetic gaze. Zayn wonders if Niall can’t really read expressions or he’s just trying to avoid them, if so Zayn doesn’t blame him, he would have done that too if he could.

Niall bring him canvas and paints one day, it’s old and rusty, he probably bought it in some second hand shop but it’s clean and he’s grateful anyways; Niall tried for him. He starts drawing Louis because portraits were always his strongest side and Louis is only one who doesn’t seem unreasonable and won’t have sad eyes.

-

Zayn met Liam first; he was one of Louis champions. He knocked Zayn out in three and half minute and Liam grinned at him, clapping glove covered hand on the shoulder and smiled the smile that took Zayn’s heart away in that exact moment.

It was never meant to be a thing.

Zayn was never meant to fall for him, fall for anyone. But when you lose your everything and everyone, there is someone you have to hold onto and that someone for him was Liam, the boy who always smiled at him and made him smile too, someone who genuinely cared.

Liam was always good to him, he was year older and took responsibilities of older brother.

But Zayn didn’t need an old brother

-

When he goes back to gym it’s already month passed and he feels like he’s been trapped into some cage like some animal.

Gym smells the same like a blood, sweat and anger. And as much as it saddens Zayn to think so, it smells like home. Louis isn’t there yet, probably filling some forms or arranging schedules.

He walks further in, dropping bag on the floor, beside his locker. Looking around he notices that the red bag hanging next the blue one, which Jay is already fighting, is spare, and it’s Liam’s spot.

He shuffles as Louis approaches him with tight hug. Zayn can’t help but glace to the bag when Louis is talking to him. Louis apparently notices it and stops talking, eyes traveling over Zayn face, worry written on his features, looking with pity in eyes. “Zayn” he says so quiet that is’ almost audible through the shouts and punches and slaps inside the gym. Zayn knows what he is about to say but prays silently, nonono, it can’t be.

“He left.” Louis continues “Moved to Grimshaw’s.”

Zayn stands still, not bothering to let any emotion building inside him show, keeping all inside. He’s not angry, or maybe he is, he doesn’t know. He just knows that he is feeling terrible as ever, guilty. Liam was one of the best in the team and Zayn can’t bear the thought that he left to _fucking Grimshaw’s_ because of him. Can’t bear that he left and that means there will be no Liam in his life anymore.

“You can go home.” Louis tells him when Zayn stays unresponsive. “Take another day off, it’s okay.”

Zayn goes homes and nearly crashes his car into tree and another car and his apartment building. He doesn’t have problems with anger but he is a boxer and he has bloody right to be angry.

He throws silver lamp at the TV and settles down on the couch. Refusing to do anything other than breathing and that way he is protesting something to no one. He almost forgets that in two hours there will be banging on the door when Niall will realize that it’s lock from inside.

-

Zayn sometimes wished he’d met Niall first; maybe he could have been happy then.

Zayn was in club with Louis, celebrating his first win when he met Niall. He approached Zayn with a martini and dazzling smile. If Liam was there Zayn wouldn’t have eyes for anyone but Liam wasn’t there and Niall had bright eyes and a lot of alcohol in veins.

Zayn took him home that night; fucked him senseless on the floor and repeated Liam’s name in his mind. He felt like a predator, drunk, reckless and hungry, with excitement of winning and Niall mixed together. He fucked Niall rough and strong and fast, he didn’t gave him time to breath when he was back in Niall for second round, rocked into him before Niall went limp and unresponsive, just a mess of moans and pleads. Niall kissed him when he lied next to him on the floor and whispered nearly audible thank you.

In the morning Zayn woke him up with bite on the nipple and dragged him into the shower for third round. He left bruises all over his body, pressing him against the wall and biting flesh of his skin to bleed. He was so hungry and so pleased and high; he forgot that he wasn’t that. He doesn’t take strangers home from dirty club and fuck then until they beg him to stop because _it hurts._

-

Zayn doesn’t open the door when Niall starts banging. He knew he would come to check on his lunch.

He bang over an hour and shouts for Zayn, begs him to open. He calls him on phone, but Zayn doesn’t respond, he can’t.

Liam left because of him. He knows it; he’s not stupid. He could see how uncomfortable he was around Zayn, how he refused to change in front of him and it all is his fault. Niall leaves then, or maybe not, he might be being quiet, sitting on his porch, and it wouldn’t surprise Zayn. But after three hours he stops calling and leaving voice mails and maybe he actually left.

He locks himself in his house and shuts everyone out. He doesn’t response to any calls and messages. Niall comes next day and day after that. Louis calls him several times, Niall calls every day, every hour and leaves thousand of voice mails, in three of them he’s crying, Zayn can tell by his voice, it’s heartbreaking, but Zayn doesn’t have heart anymore anyways.

He sits at home whole week. He tries not to think much, especially about Liam though he can’t. There always is flashing images of Liam or Niall or Harry in his eyes and he wants to rip all the memories out of his gut and empty himself because this is fucking painful

-

  
Niall came back two days later after they first fucked, holding bag of take outs and the fighter DVD in hands, he had this endearing smile and a bruise that Zayn had left on his neck still visible, so Zayn didn’t think much and let him in. They watched the movie, ate and when Zayn straddled him on the couch, he fucked Niall hard and rough. It was nice, having Niall wrapped around him, screaming his name and scratching his back.

Niall kissed his cheek and cuddled up to him, planting light pecks on his chest and that’s when it hit Zayn. He sat up and dragged Niall with him. He told him he was in love with another and couldn’t do it. But Niall just nodded and kissed him on the lips, telling him it’s alright, you’ll get over it.

Niall came back nearly every night and slept with Zayn. Once Zayn told him he couldn’t use him like this and Niall laughed kissed him on the lips. That was all Zayn needed because he liked Niall’s body wrapped around his and his name rolling from his bitten lips.

Zayn wasn’t sure how it happened or why it happened but Niall fell in love with him. Niall was never the one to hide thing or be shy about himself. He knew him and Zayn weren’t in a relationship; they weren’t even a tiny thing. All Niall had was Zayn’s spare key and sex.

He told him when they were having sex on Zayn’s bed. Niall took as much as he could that night, like he knew it would be the last time. He came three times and blow Zayn and even rode him when Zayn was already exhausted. That was the best fuck in Zayn’s life. When Zayn was half asleep and his legs were aching and his lower regions were like on fire. Niall kissed him hard on lips and told him _I love you so much._

Zayn freaked out and cut all the sex. He apologized and told him he couldn’t love him and didn’t miss his teary eyes.

-

When Zayn shut him out, Niall didn’t go home. He called Harry, because despite everything, Harry was only one he had and he needs him right now.

Harry picks him up from Zayn and they go to his place. Niall’s trying hard not to cry but he can’t stop it, he starts sobbing in harry’s chest and he knows he’s selfish for doing this to Harry but Zayn had never shut him out before.

Harry doesn’t ask questions but Niall tells him everything, because he deserves to know. He stays at Harry’s place, in his bed, and in his arms. In the morning, Harry drives him to Zayn and picks him up too because Zayn’s still unresponsive. It continues like this for three days and Niall has panic attack that night. He’s screaming and crying and shouting and Harry kisses him, ‘cause he won’t shut up.

“Calm down.” Harry says, holding Niall’s terrified face between his palms “Everything is okay, I’m right here.” Niall kisses him then, hard and on full force, taking Harry aback.

Harry carries him to bed and removes his clothes and Niall knows he has to stop when Harry tells him beautiful. But he doesn’t. He needs someone now, even if he is going to ruin Harry.

Harry is completely different from Zayn, he’s gentle. He holds Niall like he’s the most fragile thing on the earth. He doesn’t fuck him with fingers until he’s begging mess and he uses enough lube and he thrusts slow and doesn’t pound into him. It should feel good but all Niall can think about it how Zayn used to bite him and scratch him and make him beg. How Zayn used to be his once, even for a little bit, his mind drifts off Harry and he seems to notice it.

“Stop! Stop thinking about him! Stop!” Harry screams, sweat running down his face, getting rougher with every touch, “Why can’t you stop?” He clutches onto Niall’s hair “Why can’t you love me?”

Niall starts crying, sobs and moans mixing together and he comes with tears streaming down his cheeks. Harry kisses them away and tells him _I love you_ every time he brushes near his ears.

In the morning, he wakes up and starts crying again, he apologizes to Harry and kisses him on the lips

“I shouldn’t have done it, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I’m not worth forgiving, I’m not worth anything from you, but I’m so sorry.” he sits still, trying to cover his naked self with the blue sheets on Harry’s bed.

“It’s fine,” Harry tells him, voice full of sadness and disappointment “and don’t you ever say you aren’t worth anything.” Harry doesn’t do anything then, he lays flat and smiles sad at the ceiling. Niall can’t help himself but kiss him hard and full on lips before standing up to leave. He doesn’t even bother to cover himself when he’s dressing up and puts on Harry’s shirt.

-

Zayn didn’t mean to tell Liam. He had made it perfectly clear that he was happy with his girlfriend and was planning on having fourteen kids, several times.

They were just in Manchester, having a battle there and Louis gave them night off before the fight. They got trashed and Zayn’s drunken mind decided to betray him.

It just seemed such a good idea when he was wasted. He leaned over Liam on his bed and kissed him, mumbling _I love you_ against his lips.

Liam freaked out, he jumped up from the bed and started screaming that Zayn was just confused and then sent him out of his room.

After that night Liam became so cold toward him, completely insensitive.

-

Zayn lets Niall in on the 8th day. He’s unshaved and dirty and there is food all over the place and everything is huge mess.

“This place looks gross you know.” Niall says, taking a look around the place

“Yeah. Your absence has taken its toll.” Zayn smiles at him. It’s such a rare occasion when Zayn smiles at him. It’s so genuine that Niall lets his heart dance in his ribcage.

“Well then, I have to clean up, and you do too”

He drags him into the bathroom and cleans the living room while Zayn’s taking a shower.

When they eat the breakfast and Zayn compliments his cooking skills, Niall feels so wrong and dirty. He has slept with Harry three times during the last five days and kissed him thousand times and now, he’s sitting here with Zayn and he’s smiling like nothing has happened.

He goes back to Harry’s and kisses him in doorway

“I need you” Niall says.

“Okay” Harry answers and he knows how Niall needs him, he doesn’t need Harry to fuck him or blow him, he just needs Harry to hold and kiss him.

-

Niall has changed, Zayn can tell. It’s been over a month since he’s let him back in and he’s been different. More distant.

He smiles different at Zayn, more sad and remote. Before, when Niall was with him after battles and traveled his way around Zayn’s bruises, Zayn could tell, Niall was hundred percent concentrated, thinking about Zayn and only Zayn, learning his body, so next day he wouldn’t press any of the painful spots. Now he’s not here, he’s drifting away while cleaning blood from his broken skin and presses too hard sometimes, mumbling apology afterwards.

He leaves earlier than used to. And comes at the morning with different emotions plastered on face, sometimes Zayn will notice that he is wearing Harry’s clothes, like his terrible orange sweater, that is so big on him, his shoulder is peaking out and there is faint red mark above the bone, Zayn remembers how easy it is to mark Niall’s skin.

He’s happy for him, he really is, at least he’s trying to be, but he isn’t ready for Niall to lie to him; he’s not ready to lose him too, so suddenly. He hadn’t realized his life was so full of Niall before. He’s starting to drift away and Zayn will soon be left with nothing, nothing but self-pity.

-

Niall thinks about his actions as something he deserves to be sent to hell for. At first he uses Harry as something, he’s not sure what exactly, maybe distraction. But then soft and gentle becomes more familiar than hard and rough and Niall takes liking of it.

And it’s so bad and terrible; he’s lying to Zayn and actually making a thing out of what he has with Harry. But Zayn always wanted him to be with Harry and Harry always loved him so much.

So he goes to Harry nearly every night and goes to Zayn every morning and bring him lunch. It’s a thing, been for years and Niall can’t just stop doing it. It’s just, when his on his way to the gym, there is more Harry in his mind than Zayn.

“Why Niall?” Harry whispers into his ear “Please, why?” he says and thrusts into Niall further, reaching his sensitive spot and making Niall cry out loud “Why don’t you love me, why?” This sentence is so used and worn already Niall blocks it out every time, but now he doesn’t.

“I do, Harry.” He says quietly “I do.”

Harry then stops. He leans back and looks Niall in the eyes with so much surprise and hope “I do” Niall repeats and nods, nose brushing Harry’s. Harry laughs, so happy and breathy. He leans down and kisses every inch of Niall’s face and Niall giggles, giggles into Harry’s mouth and repeats that _he does, he does, he does._

“I do, I do, I do, I love you” Niall breathes out with giggles and Harry stops and stares at him and with final kiss on lips continues moving into Niall. Tonight it’s not only Harry making love to Niall; it’s also Niall making love to Harry too.

-

Zayn sits on the stairs outside the gym on his lunch break, actually waiting for the familiar frame to appear.

He’s not that surprise when he sees that Niall isn’t alone. He’s with Harry.

“Hey, Z.” Niall says to him, the same brown bag in hands.

“Hey.” Zayn answers, trying to keep his voice as steady as he can at the moment.

“I brought you lunch.” he says, Harry standing beside him, waving his awkwardly big hands in weird manner, which Zayn supposes is his greeting.

“Yeah, yeah, thank you.” Niall hands him bag and steps back, stepping closer to Harry. They stand there, side by side, silent for a second.

“I’ll go now, I guess.” Niall trails off and Zayn doesn’t miss his eyes travel down and he thread his fingers with Harry and pulls apologetic smile.

“Yeah.” He nods “Bye.” Zayn shouldn’t feel as empty as he feels, but he’s losing another thing he didn’t know was so important to him.

Zayn watches as they walk out and thinks he’ll change the locker today, not for him, for Niall, it’s going to give him more space.

“Hey,” Louis stands behind him, clapping hand on his shoulder, “come on, let’s have a beer.” He smiles down at him and Zayn thinks, _yeah; beer would be nice right now._


	2. chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to ass this this as second chapter, not make it series

  
It’s all emptiness now, there’s no more Niall around to fill it and Liam has never been there anyways. His windows aren’t open and letting in air when he comes back home, and no one is cleaning blood from his face. This is how it should be,he thinks.No one needs to suffer because of him anymore.

“You could always leave.” Louis tells him once, when they’re sitting in the gym, having a beer, and not talking about Zayn and his loneliness.

“So could you” Zayn responds,not taking eyes from the old,blue punching bag in the corner.

“Nah,” Louis counters back. “I don’t fight, you see. I train the fighter. Good enough for me. Gonna marry my girl, open another gym probably, and train your likes. Have my life sorted and calm,”he pauses,taking a sip of his beer. “I don’t hate it here, but you do. You are my best, no one fights like you, but I see how much ya hate it.”

“If there was another way,I wouldn’t have gotten into boxing in first place,” Zayn says.

“There is. You could practice a bit and get into some fancy art school, start living normally. You have potential. It’s shame wasting it here.” Louis drowns the last dregs of his beer and reaches behind him to get another for himself and Zayn.

Zayn doesn’t respond but he accepts the bottle from Louis,sitting quietly for a bit.

“It’s not your fault,”Louis starts again. “You deserve better, stop holding yourself back because you think there is something you’re leaving behind.”

It’s a bit harsh for Zayn,another reminder that he’s all alone.But it’s true,he can’t bring himself to leave when he knows that everyone he once had is here. He hasn’t seen Niall for 3 weeks and it hurts even more than losing Liam and he hates himself for that. It’s selfish, after allNiall has done for him and after all he’s done to Niall,it’s the most selfish thing he can do.

“I could,”Zayn says quietly

-

When Zayn gets home,he makes himself dinner,and eats it alone.

It’s about 2 am when he opens his cupboard and takes out a canvas and paints. He thinks about what Louis has said, and maybe he could leave, go to London,have a bit better life and not feel like someone stabbed him every time he comes back to an empty home.Stop being so outrageously lonely.

He sets up easel and starts drawing,a lake in green and blue and he draws the sun and clouds, and he doesn’t know why he hates it so much. He rips it in half and throws it away, straight out of the window. He paints another picture, a portrait of Niall, draws him as happy as he deserves and as happy as he probably is with Harry.Zayn paints him in his shirt because he misses him. He just can’t help himself.

He doesn’t let himself think about Liam and he doesn’t paint him because it’s fucked up,he fucked it all up but he still loves Liam so much that he hates himself. He doesn’t sleep but he cries first time in years, cries loudly, screams and kicks, and when he calms down he takes Niall’s portrait off the easel and hangs it in his living room next to Louis’.  
It’s seven am when he gives up on trying to sleep and goes to the gym. He’s feeling clumsy and tired but still beats the punching bag for hour before Louis comes in and smiles at him.

“Hey,”Louis says, patting Zayn on his sweaty shoulder.

“Hey,”Zayn returns and takes his gloves off, throwing them on the floor in the corner. He watches Louis rummage through some papers and settle down on his desk, before he speaks again, “I might need your help with packing.”

Louis turns his head swiftly and looks Zayn with such astonishment in his eyes,his mouth open and eyes wide, like he can’t believe what he just heard. He stares at Zayn for a bit before he smiles softly,“Yeah,” he says,“Yeah, okay.”

\--

Zayn goes to see Niall and say goodbye.

It takes him 2 weeks to gain courage and knock on Harry’s apartment door. 

It’s 19:37 and Niall is wearing sweatpants and t shirt and when he smiles, Zayn has never been this happy for a long time.

It’s a bit awkward when Niall guides him inside and Harry pats him on the shoulder with a smile, but Zayn still settles down on the couch and watches as Harry touches Niallwith reassurance.

“I came to say goodbye,”Zayn says and tries not to pay attention to how Niall’s eyes fill with worry,to how Harry moves closer to him.“I’m leaving boxing.I want to study art. I’m going to move to London.I’ lltry to get in art college.I thought you’d like to know.” 

Niall doesn’t say anything. He just smiles and looks at harry, then back at Zayn. He sits quietly and Zayn doesn’t blame him.

“That’s really great.”Harry finally says,“About time,”Niall smiles and that’s good enough for Zayn.

Niall wishes him good luck and tells him to be careful,to not get lost. Zayn promises to calloften but he knows he won’t. He will leave this house and will probably never see Niall again. But isn’t that the point of leaving,he thinks.

When he’s by the door,Niall gives him a hug,and he goes for smalland light but Zayn wraps both of his arm tight around Niall and holds him like he has never held him before. He nuzzles in Niall’s neck and forces himself not to cry because he feels like he’s leaving Niall.

“I love you so much.”Niall whispers in his ear, probably loud enough for Harry to hear too. “Just not in that way, anymore.”Zayn can feel him smiling against his cheek and he squeezes him tighter, lets a single tear escape, because he’s happy, happy that Niall isn’t mooning over him and is finally with someone who can make him happy.

“I love you too, lots.”Zayn says back, and he feels like he should have said it a lot earlier, before anything could’ve happened. Maybe then he wouldn’t be leaving and his heart wouldn’t feel so empty. He squeezes Niall one more time and lets go,trying to avoid looking at Niall’s face because he knows he cried and it’s been so long since the last time he saw Niall cry.

He turns to Harry,who’s looking at him sheepishly.

“I have no right to say this,”Zayn says “But take care of him.”

“ _He_  can take care of himself.”Niall chimes in with chuckle before Harry can open his mouth.Zayn thinks, yes you can, you took care of me when I couldn’t.“But thank you.”

“I will,”Harry says, sticking out his hand to Zayn but Zayn pulls him in and gives him half armed hug.He doesn’t feel like he’s going to be happy for while after he leaves.

-

“Where you going to go?” Louis asks him as he folds one of Zayn’s shirts.

“Probably London,”Zayn answers. “Found some art college that may take me.”It’s hard to get into university when you don’t even have high schooldiploma.

“That’s good.”Louis puts a folded t-shirt into the suitcase. “Liam came by today.”And blood freezes in Zayn’s veins as Louis finishes his sentence. “I told him you were leaving and he wants to say goodbye,” Louis carefully adds.“I told him you still live here,”he suspiciously eyes Zayn “You aren’t mad,are you?”

“No, no,”Zayn croaks out. “It’s fine,”but it’s not fine. He cannot face Liam, because the last time they talked they were drunk off their asses and Zayn confessed his love and Liam just ran away,and he’s not ready to face the person he loves more than anything and tell him goodbye, see the eyes that tell him that he’s not good enough.

“Hey,”Louis startles him. “Don’t think too much about it. If anything happens, I’m just block away at Eleanor’s. Ring me and I’ll be here,”he squeezes Zayn’s shoulder and Zayn thinks he’s never be as thankful of anything as he is of Louis.

“Yeah, yeah good,”Zayn doesn’t finish packing that day. He sips beer at balcony and thinks that how Liam hurting him made him love Liam even more.And how fucked up is that,but everything about Zayn is fucked up. He sits there tillmidnight and thinks that he’s never been this unhappy in his life.

-  
It’s 5:57 when Zayn opens the door and sees Liam standing on his porch with sheepish look on his face.

“Hi,”Liam says and Zayn feels like all the blood just drained out of him.

“Hi,”he whispers back. He lets Liam in without a word and makes him coffee, sits on the couch and watches Liam stand near the TV awkwardly.He feels like he’s gonna kill Liam.

“When are you leaving?”Liam finally asks.

“Wednesday morning,”Zayn answers.

“That’s like two days away.”Liam observes and Zayn wants to roll his eyes.

“Yeah,”

Silence falls again as Liam sips from his hot coffee and Zayn doesn’t even feel bad for staring,he doesn’t even care anymore. 

“I’m sorry,”Liam says, and now he can’t do it. He cannot be sorry after all he has put Zayn through, made him feel like shit. He can’t stand there and be fucking sorry, Zayn wants to punch him but he doesn’t. He smiles.

“It’s okay,”Zayn says. “It’s all okay,”Liam moves at that, putting his coffee on the coffee table and sitting close to Zayn.

“We could have been something.”Liam whispers, very quietly and Zayn can’t do anything but smile softly.

“Maybe,”Zayn responds and leans back against the sofa, closing his eyes.

He can feel Liam standing up, and then he feels a pair of lips on his forehead, and he wants to scream but he doesn’t even flinch.

“Goodbye”Liam whispers and then he’s gone. Zayn doesn’t even open his eyes before he hears door click shut.

He calls Niall because it makes sense.“You did good,”Niall tells him.“You did your best.”

“I won’t survive without you,”Zayn says.

“I know,”Niall chuckles and Zayn wants to die.

-

He leaves early in the morning and Eleanor and Louis drop him of at the station.

He finds small apartment in suburbs.it’s just one room and a toilet,but he doesn’t complain.

He sends application papers to 7 colleges and gets 2 back. It’s good enough for him. He goes to open days for both of them and finally decides to the one that is closer.

He hangs Niall’s painting on the wall and looks at it every night with sadness filling his soul.

 _You could have made me happy_ ,he thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading :)


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